If It Kills Me
by SunshineANDstardust
Summary: Song Fic with Jason Marz song 'If It Kills Me'. Rachel sees Pucks video for his new single. She never expected the song would be about her.


**Happy V-day everyone! I know I should be posting on Keeping It Together but the next chapter isn't very happy. So I wrote this out to post on V-Day and the next chapter for KIT will be up tomorrow. **

**The song is If It Kills Me by Jason Marz. And it is a total Puckleberry song so I couldn't resist.**

**I don't own Glee or the Song. All mistakes are mine. Please be kind cause I wrote this in like a hour. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Rachel stormed into the building with determination on her face. She would no longer be ignored and she was going to get some answers. The lady at the front desk noticed her and gave her a familiar smile.

"Hey Rachel it's been a while since I've seen you" She said nicely.

Rachel gave her a tight smile trying to think about the reasons she hasn't seen her. "Yes we'll we've both been pretty busy.

"We'll he got back yesterday afternoon so I'm sure you guys have a lot of catching up to do."

Rachel tried to compose her face at the new information. She knew he was getting back from LA at the end of the week but if he came home a day early why didn't he call her or at the very least text her and let her know he made it safely. She knew why. He was ignoring her but tonight it had to stop.

She made her way over to the elevator and hit the button to go up to his apartment. She turned back and saw the lady still watching her with a smile on her face. Curiosity took the best of Rachel "He hasn't had any…company …has he?" She tried to ask delicately.

She gave her a knowing smile. She was accustom to his sort of company and often called cabs for the poor girls who went home crying because they didn't know the meaning of 'one night stand'. "No Rachel he hasn't had anyone over in a long time. Too busy with work I guess."

Rachel nodded her thanks and entered the elevator. She hit the button to go up to his floor and thought about how they'd got there. She hasn't seen to him in almost three weeks. Not since the night before he left for LA to do some promotional stuff for his album.

Rachel smiled to herself at that thought. Was it really only a year ago that he got that recording contract. She remembered how excited they were when he got it. They went out drinking with friends that night and got so drunk they ended up making out on her couch. Of course the next day they both pretended like it never happen and neither one has mentioned it since then. It was just too complicated then. She had a boyfriend and it would only ruin their friendship.

After that things went back to normal. Well as normal as things could be when your best friend was a signed recording artist. But they still hung out a lot and still had their Sunday brunch at their favorite diner. That was until he was done with the album and wouldn't let her listen to it yet. He said he wanted it to be a surprise. She was hurt that he wouldn't play it for her but she tired to hide it as best as she could. Then right before he left for LA everything came to a head.

_She was still on his couch while he made dinner. It would be the last time he could cook for her in the next couple weeks so she was gonna enjoy it. She took a sip at the wine from the glass in her hand and smiled at the fruity taste on her tongue. He did always know what wine she liked. Something on the coffee table caught her eye. She sat up and looked at it more closely._

_It was a yellow envelop. On the outside it said 'If it kills me' video treatment. Rachel's heart beat quickened. This was the video for his first single. The one she hasn't even heard. Maybe she could take a sneak peek. After all not hearing his music was so frustration to her. She'd always appreciated his talents and the whole secrecy thing was about to make her explode. _

_She looked behind her to make sure he was coming before she gently opened the envelop and pulled out the contents. It was mostly papers and a CD. There was a post-it on the first sheet of paper and Rachel quickly skimmed through it._

_Hey Puck,_

_Listened to the song and I think it's gonna be a real hit. I loved you ideas for the video and added a few for my own. Read it over and we'll talk more when you get here._

_She pulled the post-it off and was about to read the first sheet of the treatment when a voice interrupted her._

"_Hey dinner's almost ready. I'm just waiting for the-" Puck said stopping when he saw her reading through his stuff. Rachel turned around quickly and tried to put the stuff back before he could see what she was reading but he was already walking towards her and he already saw. "What are you doing?"_

"_I was just looking at it" She said quietly_

_Puck noticed what it was that she had in her hand and snatched it out. "Shit. You were looking through my stuff." He said while her stuffed the papers and CD back in the envelop. _

"_It was sitting right there. I didn't think you'd mind" She lied. He walked back to his bedroom and put the envelop in a safe place before coming back to stare at her._

"_I told you I didn't want you to know anything yet." He said to her seriously._

_Rachel felt her temper rise. "Gosh is it that top secret Noah? Or is it that I'm so common I wouldn't understand things like a video treatment for a big shot recording artist."_

"_That's not what I'm saying and you know it." He yelled back to her._

"_Then why can't I hear it. It's been done for two months. TWO MONTHS! And you still haven't let me listen to it. Does my opinion just not matter anymore?"_

_Puck sighed in frustration. She just didn't get it. He ran his hand through his hawk and tried not to pull out his hair. "Of course you opinion matters. It matters to me the most. That's why I don't want you hearing anything until it's perfect and shit." Rachel made her way over to him._

"_Noah I won't criticize any minor mistakes. I know you're still trying to find you sound and image. I just want to listen to you music." He shook his head to her. "I want to hear my best friend sing and play guitar like he used to."_

"_I still do" He told her._

"_Not for me you don't!" She said finally exploding. "I feel like you haven't been here with me in a really long time. We still talk and still hang out but I feel like your hiding something from me. And as friends we should be able to tell each other everything."_

"_Not everything…" Puck said under his breath but Rachel heard. She glared at him for a second before walking over to grab her coat. She had intention to leave but Puck grabbed her wrist before she could get her coat. "Don't. Let's not do this ok? I'm sorry if you feel like I'm shutting you out. I just have a lot of shit going on and it's kinda hard to take it all in."_

_Rachel gave him a small smile. "Well that's what you have me for. To help you take it all in. And to tell you when you're being an asshole. And right now…"_

"_I'm being an asshole?"_

"_No you're actually being pretty sweet." She told him before giving him a big hug. "So how about dinner?"_

"_Shit" Puck said running back to the kitchen. Rachel laughed as she followed him. She watched as he worked and couldn't help but admire the man he had become. Puck finished up some last minute things before plating all the food and handing it to Rachel. _

_They made their way back to couch to enjoy their meal. After a few moments Puck spoke up again. "So how about I make it up to you?" Rachel could only give him a confused look because of the food in her mouth. "You said you felt like I was shutting you out. How about I make it up to you by not shutting you out? I talked to a couple people today about getting an extra ticket to LA and if you want it's yours."_

_Rachel had to take a big swallow of her food as she took in his words. "You want me to go to LA with you?"_

"_Sure why not. It'll be fun. We'll see the sights, and do all my promotional shit. And you know you could be in my video or whatever." He said before giving her a look. "Come on, you're my best friend. You really think I'd want to do this shit with out you?"_

_She was shocked. Not only was he asking her to go to LA with him but he wanted her to be in his music video. She let a squeal of delight as she lounged into his arms forgetting all about the food and spilling some on each of them. But she didn't care. Noah was asking her to LA with him._

_She hugged him tightly and he laughed into her hair "So I'll take that as a yes?" She only squealed again and nodded her head. She couldn't believe this moment was happening. It felt so surreal. _

_Which is what made it so much worst when she had to call him the next morning and give him the news._

"_Rachel? Hey where are you? Plane's taking off in like two hours." He asked concerned._

_Rachel tired to clear her throat and wipe away her tears. "Noah I'm sorry but I don't think I'm going to be able to accompany you on this trip." _

"_What?" Puck asked "Why the fuck not?"_

"_I was just reminded that next week is Daniel's opening for Singing in the Rain and I promised him I would be there for him."_

_Puck growled "What the fuck! He doesn't need you holding his hand Rachel…I need you." He told her honestly._

"_Noah please" She said to him while taking a shaky breath. "Things are already complicated enough with Daniel and I and this trip would only make a bad situation worst."_

"_So dump his ass and come with me to LA"_

_Rachel was quiet on the phone for a long time and Puck almost thought she hung up before she spoke. "I don't think I can do that."_

"_Whatever. Fuck it" He told her before hanging up on her._

That was the last thing he said her. And they haven't talked since. Not for lack of her trying. She e-mail him several times, texted him and called him non-stop but he kept ignoring her. She knew she hurt his feelings and should have been there for him but at the time she didn't know how. Everything was happening so fast and she was scared.

She stood in front of his door and took a deep breath before knocking. She was nervous. What if he was still really mad at her? What if he didn't want to see her? She waited for a few minutes but he didn't open the door. She knocked again louder this time. But still didn't get an answer.

Rachel was really getting fed up with his antics. He could at least be an adult about the situation at talk to her. She pulled out her key to his apartment and let her self in with every intention on telling him off for his childish behavior. She walked in and was surprised that she didn't see him.

She heard the shower running and figured maybe that's why he wasn't answering. She figured she might as well may herself comfortable so she took off her jacket and hung it up and set her purse down on the counter.

The TV in the living room was turned on to some football game. She took a seat and flipped through the channels before finally stopping on some wedding show. It was cute. The bride and groom were best friends for many years and had always had feelings for each other but neither one wanted to ruin the friendship. They finally took the risk and had been together ever since. Rachel thought about how she wished her life could mirror that couple. There was always something attractive about Noah and most of the time she had to stop herself from feeling on his arms or moving in and stealing a kiss or two.

At the thought of stolen kisses she thinks back to that night a year again when they made. She wasn't totally drunk. She knew what she was doing and everything about it just felt so right. Like his hands were made to fit around her waist and his lips were formed so perfect for hers. She'd never felt anything like that before and a part of her knew she never would.

Puck plopped down on the couch beside her and slung his arm around her shoulder like he always did. He was surprised to walk out of the bed room and see her sitting there and watching TV but if they wanted things to go back to normal they had to start somewhere. The only problem was he didn't want things to go back to normal.

"Whatcha watchin' berry" He asked her casually. She looked over at him first shocked but his sudden appearance then she noticed he was only wearing sweat pants and no shirt. This combined with thoughts of their make out session was almost too much for Rachel. She reached over and pulled him in a tight embrace. Almost 3 weeks without these arms, and his comforting words.

"Hey you" She said softly before remembering why she was there in the first place. She pulled by from him and slapped him hard in the chest.

"Ow! What's with the hitting" He said rubbing the sore spot.

"Why haven't you responded me? I called you, texted you, e-mailed you. For goodness sakes Noah the only thing I didn't do was take out a ad in the LA times."

"Okay first off you probably couldn't afford an ad in the LA times" He chuckled and she slapped his arm this time. "I'm kidding. Gosh would you stop hitting me."

She glared at him. "Why are you ignoring me?"

He sighed as he glanced at her. "I'm not ignoring you. I just got really busy in LA."

She looked at him in disbelief "Too busy to pick up a phone and let your best friend know that you okay? I had to read the gossip blogs about you just to make sure you were still alive." She told him hitting him again.

He grabbed her wrist to prevent any further assault. "There are gossip blogs about me?" He asked smug

Rachel rolled her. "Yes Noah there are. Apparently you made big news when you were making out with Lea Michele for your video." She tried to hide the hurt in her voice.

"Yeah well the actress I originally wanted turned down the project" He said to her.

"So what you're punishing me now because I couldn't go to LA with you?" She asked in disbelief.

"I'm not punishing you for anything." He yelled. "You didn't want to go fine. But don't come at with shit because of the girl that replaced you."

"Well I hope she's a good kisser" She said before snatching her hand back and slipping her shoes on to leave. This conversation wasn't going at all like she planned.

Puck looked at her like he was really seeing her for the first time. "You're jealous" He said.

She stopped to glare at him and opened her mouth with a retort when he cut her off. "No. You don't get to be fucking jealous okay because I tired. I tired really fucking hard to do things the right way. I tired to hid it and be you're friend but you know what maybe I just can't do that anymore." He stood up and started pacing the room. Rachel watched him with her heart in her throat. "Maybe I tried to tell you what was really going on in this fucked up head of mine and I couldn't. And then when I do find a way to tell you and show you that I don't just wanna be you're fucking friend you go and choose him over me again." He looked down at her. "So you don't get to be jealous because I had to kiss and sing to woman that I was wishing was you the whole time. You made that fucking decision not me."

They were both quiet after his outburst neither one knowing what to said. She looked down at the coffee table and noticed a DVD labeled 'If It Kills Me'. She glanced at him and his eyes were on her. "Is that the video?" She asked quietly still trying to gather her thoughts. Puck only nodded and she could see his jaw was till tight with anger and something else. "Can I see it?" She asked meekly.

Puck sighed and snatched up the DVD. Like he could deny her from seeing it now. After all the whole world was gonna see it in a month from now. Might as well get this shit out and open now. He popped the DVD in the player and sat back down next to her. Neither one said a word.

The Black screen came up.

* * *

If It Kills Me by Puck

The video starts. On the screen is Puck standing back stage on his phone.

"Hey where are you? The show is about to start." The screen clicks over to Lea Michele oh her phone as she is leaving some sort of office building.

"I got held up at work but I'm on my way. I promise I'll be there." She clicked off

The screen switches back over to Puck as he closed his phone and walks out on stage with his guitar. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as the music starts. When he opens his eyes he was in a high school that looks at lot like their back in Lima.

Puck is dressed in a Red football jersey and walking down the hall in slow motion to Lea who was dressed a lot like how Rachel used to dress in high school. He sang the words of the song and Lea at first didn't notice him but then looked up at him and smiled.

_Hello, tell me you know  
Yeah, you figured me out  
Something gave it away_

He Reaches Lea and she smiles brightly to him as he continues to sing the song. He pulls out a couple of her books and she smiles and flirts back.

_It would be such a beautiful moment  
To see the look on your face  
To know that I know that you know now_

The video switches back to the scene of Puck singing on stage as he sings the next verse. He looks out into the crowd hoping to find Lea but he doesn't.

_And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking  
You know nothing_

The scene switches back over to Puck and Lea at the high school only this time they are in a choir room. They both sit at a piano and laugh and flirt with each other.

_Well you and I  
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end_

They are interrupted when another guy comes into the choir room and calls to Lea. She gives an apologetic look to Puck before running over to the guy and hugging him. They walk out holding hands and Puck stares after them.

_Well you and I  
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end_

As he sings the chorus of the song the scene cuts back and forth between Puck on the stage and Puck in high school.

_Well all I really wanna do is love you  
A kind much closer than friends use  
But I still can't say it after all we've been through_

The chorus continues and Puck and Lea are at graduation. She gives him a big hug and smiles at him. He smiles back but someone else calls her attention and she runs over to them as Puck sings longingly to her.

_And all I really want from you is to feel me  
As the feeling inside keeps building  
And I will find a way to you if it kills me_

On the last line of the chorus it switches back to Puck singing on the stage.

_If it kills me_

During the musically break before the second verse starts. Puck and Lea are seen moving into a college dorm together. After playfully moving around several boxes Lea gets so excited and jumps into his arms. He spins her around. The Second verse starts and it Puck and Leah playfully fighting while watching a movie together on the couch. Puck tickles her and their faces are close enough to kiss but Lea pulls away.

_How long, can I go on like this,  
Wishing to kiss you,  
Before I rightly explode?_

Lea looks over at her phone and sees that it's ringing. She get up and answers it. Puck watches her and sings the words of the song as she paces the room laughing on the phone.

_This double life I lead isn't healthy for me  
In fact it makes me nervous  
If I get caught I could be risking it all_

The scene switches back over to Puck singing on the stage.

_Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss  
In case I'm wrong_

At the start of the chorus again it switches to a scene of Puck and Lea walking down what looks like a street in New York. Lea is talking animated and Puck watches her with an amused smile on his face.

_Well all I really wanna do is love you_

The scene clicks over to Puck on the stage.

_A kind much closer than friends use_

It switches again to the scene with Puck and Lea on the street. She stopped talking and gives him a confused look. He shakes his head and she rolls her eyes. He playfully grabs her by the waist and swings her around while she giggles.

_But I still can't say it after all we've been through_

_And all I really want from you is to feel me_

_As the feeling inside keeps building_

It Switches to Puck on the stage singing his heart out. As he sings the last lines he looks out at the crowd trying to find Lea but he can't.

_And I will find a way to you if it kills me  
If it kills me_

_If it kills me_

During the bridge Puck sings in the audience of an empty theater as Lea rehearses for a play.

_If I should be so bold  
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand  
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man_

It switches to Puck on stage as he closes his eyes and sings out the last lines of the bridge.

_But I never said a word  
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again_

During the musical break it shows random scenes. Puck and Lea eating ice cream and Lea sticking hers in Pucks face. Puck and Lea back in high school doing homework in her yellow bedroom. Puck and Lea at a movie theater throwing pop corn at each other. Puck and Lea sitting at a diner and eating breakfast. When the chorus picks back up the scene switches to Puck on the stage again.

_All I really wanna do is love you  
A kind much closer than friends use  
But I still can't say it after all we've been through_

On the next lines of the chorus. Lea is asleep on Puck's lap. He strokes her hair as he sings the lyrics.

_And all I really want from you is to feel me  
As the feeling inside keeps building  
And I will find a way to you if it kills me_

_If it kills me_

_If it kills me._

Puck is singing on the stage again and sings out his pain.

_Oh I think it might kill me._

The crowd in the club he is performing at stands up and claps as the performance on stage is done but the music continues and we see various scenes of Puck watching Lea from earlier. The chorus plays again and Puck takes of his guitar as he walks back stage.

_And all I really want from you is to feel me  
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building_

He stops when he notices Lea standing back stage staring at him shocked with tears in her eyes. As the last lines of the song play he takes a step to her and she walks over to him with a smile. She gently places her hand on his neck and pulls him down to passionately kiss her.

_I'll find a way to you if it kills me  
If it kills me  
It might kill me_

They kiss as the music slowly dies down. She pulls away and they walk off stage together holding hands.

The screen goes blank.

* * *

Rachel continued to stare at the screen in shock. They had played out her and Noah's entire relationship. And his song was beautiful and perfect. She was sure it was going to be a hit. She had to admit she had to hide her biting remarks she had about Lea Michele's performance because after all she was playing her. She looked over at Noah and saw that he was actively avoiding her gaze.

"That was amazing" She finally said. He only nodded in response. "She was really good." She tired to say.

"Yeah well I told her the situation and she wanted to help." He said dismissively.

"That was very nice of her" She said.

Puck scoffed. "Can we just get this over with? I mean yeah. I'm in love you and have been for a long time now but we're never gonna be together. And I know I've ruined things for us now so we can't even been friends so let's just rip the band-aid off and get going with our shitty lives" He said.

"I don't think you're being fair" She told him quietly.

"You have a boyfriend."

"No I don't" She said. He finally looked at her to make sure he heard right. "We broke up the night you left for LA. I told him I couldn't do it anymore because…" Rachel stopped as her words got choked up in her throat. "Because I think I'm in love with my best friend."

That was all he needed to hear. He pounced on her and brought his lips to meet her in a searing kiss that held all the passion, frustration and love that had been boiling under the surface of their friendship for the past year. He brought his hands to her hips and let them slip under her shirt a little but didn't take it too far.

For Rachel it wasn't far enough. She had wanted him for so long and finally he was hers. She climbed up and straddling his lap while rubbing her hands over his naked chest. Puck groaned in appreciation. Her mind finally caught up to the actions of her body and she started to think about all the other things that came along with this. She pulled away slightly and looked at him. "Don't we need we have some things we need to talk about before we…consummate our relationship? Is this even a-"

Puck cut her off with his lips. "Yes this is a fucking relationship and No we don't need to talk." He said pecking her lips "We'll deal with it" he said peaking her again "when it comes up" He kissed her long and hard "Until then, we're making up for lost time. " He went back to making out with her.

Rachel was content with the actions until one thought that was burning in mind slipped out. "Can we re-shoot the video with me in replace of Lea Michele."

Puck pulled away and laughed at her. "No fucking way. We only used her cause she looks like you" He said before dipping in and kissing her again.

* * *

**So there you have it. Please review and let me know what you think. Again sorry for any mistakes.**

**If you haven't heard the song before go Youtube it right now. It's by Jason Mraz and it is amazing!**

**New chapter of KIT will be up tomorrow so be on the look out. I'll also explain why I've been away for so long. **

**For now I just hope everyone has an AWESOME V-day!**

**Thanks! REVIEW!**


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